How present are you right now? Can you feel your body right now? What is happening in this moment? Where are you? How are you feeling? How conscious are you?
When we are conscious, we are fully online and aware. We are devoid of self-consciousness. We are sovereign. We are agent. We are the main character in our life, and we assume this authority. Weirdly, though, many of us choose to resist this agency. Often, we are so afraid of our memories and their discomfort ever being repeated in our present lives that we deliberately (usually on a subconscious level that we are not fully aware of) choose to not fully reside in the present. We numb parts of our bodies that contain encoded shame or discomfort from painful past experiences, and we distract ourselves from what we really feel by creating inner drama patterns, oscillating between trying to control everything within and around us (a la inner critics who fixate on things to fix or overplan) and trying to completely numb and avoid reality. In other words, because we are afraid that fully living in the present would mean having to feel the pain of the past contained in our bodies and brains, and because this avoidance of the past makes us untrustworthy of our capacity to handle pain in the past, we construct many ways to distract ourselves from being fully here right now. This can be seen as a form of performance anxiety experienced by most humans: we don’t think we could effectively handle the past or the present, so we give up rather than risk failure. ADHD provides a great example of how extreme this can be: in this case, an individual is born into a dysregulated body and nervous system that feels so unsafe so their brain concocts ways to experience impulsive chaos rather than try (and in their inner risk analysis’s determination: fail) to tolerate reality. This becomes especially pronounced in an ADHD individual in the face of task completion: on a subconscious level, they don’t trust their body and mind’s capacity to calmly get things done, so they create more unrest, choosing internally derived failure rather than risking the disappointment of trying and not succeeding.
The sad truth, though, is that it is much more distressing to live in avoidance of reality and the shame incurred than feeling and in doing so releasing the past. If we allow the momentary experience of past pain, we can then confidently enjoy the present. Our bodies and brains want to live in the social engagement system, which allows the flows of love, joy, and pleasure, but we prevent them from doing so when we are afraid of pain, and we lock in states of stress. The exercise outlined in the previous post provides a way to move through past energies and emotions stuck in the body to come into full consciousness. You can also substitute the words “I am enough and I belong” with “I love myself” or “I am safe now.” These all mean the same thing. If we can tolerate ourselves and our experience exactly as it is, we can release distress and then have the clarity to determine what we would want to do to improve ourselves and our situation, and then we can move towards this more authentic and fulfilling reality with confidence. Choosing to love and accept yourself doesn’t mean settling for a life or version of yourself that doesn’t reflect your full capacity, it is creating the freedom to achieve these things. If we resist our reality, we can’t fully occupy it, and thus we can’t improve it.
Once you have moved through the previous blog’s exercise and released stagnant emotions, you can start experimenting with full consciousness. Say “I am conscious,” and move these words throughout your body. When you encounter resistance, say no to it. You are not invalidating past-oriented inner child parts of yourselves when you do this. Instead, you are being a confident and assertive inner parent permitting them to release their long-held burdens and come into present consciousness alongside your adult self; this conscious adult reality is one in which they can now just be and enjoy life, exercising an innocence you inherently couldn’t in childhood. There is no good reason to not be fully conscious. Anything saying otherwise is a defense that doesn’t belong anymore – a crutch for a leg no longer broken. This is true even in the face of intense shame, regret, and pain about the past. It feels a lot better to look fear and shame in the face, or whatever parts of you may feel you are not strong enough to look at, then to let these past emotions make you feel small or bad for the rest of your life. You need to feel and release these emotions in order to have the spaciousness to choose to be the person you want to be today. Regardless of what you did historically, you deserve to be conscious today. You weren’t consciously living from assertive parts of yourself in the past, so stress states may have compelled inauthentic actions you aren’t proud of. But, if you are choosing to be alive and to continue living your life today, then live it as your full, conscious, adult self. Why spend it passively hiding? Why live a life in which you are trying to not get in trouble as your driving force and pretending to be someone you’re not? Be your conscious self today. Do what makes you proud and happy. Say no to any stuck energies and fears telling you otherwise.
Once you have made the decision to consciously take charge of your life, continue making it as you go through each day. Breathe into your body. Be here now. Articulate to yourself why you are doing everything that you do. If the reason doesn’t resonate with how you are authentically choosing to live, stop doing it. Say no to brain FOG (Fear.Obligation.Guilt). It is up to you to break out of people-pleasing or performance anxiety-oriented habits from the past. Own everything you do, especially when you choose what authentically moves you or provides pleasure rather than defaulting to “shoulds” and living in zombie mode.